33th Birthday..

The weekend before my birthday
we took a short trip to Lille
Basically it was a shopping trip
because theres nothing much to do except shopping
and husband didnt know what to get me as a gift
so we decided to just buy anything i saw
Good news for him is that i didnt really found much things to buy
I dont know is it because i was in the no-mood mode
because the kids were supposed to be my birthday present
but it was nice to get out of normal routine.

We did visit some churchs
but it was mainly just roaming around
and the only nice thing i remembered
was this 2nd hand books place located in a courtyard
and this is where i found my coolest birthday gift
A newspaper published on the same date of my birthday
but 100years older than me!!

The rest was eating and walking around
i think im so glad that husband bought his new hiking shoes
at least he didnt complained about all the shopping!
This year winter seems to be here early
So, it was chilly with rain 
that during 1 evening, i learnt my scarf to husband
and he ended up looking like a strange woman..haha

I forgot when is the last time i spend my actual birthday alone
or went to work during my birthday.
Anyway, husband had a work function in the evening
and i didnt want to take any day off
so, it was simply a normal day spent.
Except that husband woke me up early
made a special birthday breakfast for me
gave me all the presents we got from our trip
and the famous konmarie tidying book
which my friends sent me an exact copy a few days late!
Make me wonder is it a sign to ask me to clean my home more often...

Since i dont really love my colleagues
I was glad that my birthday went un-noticed till almost it was time to go
The evening was peaceful with me eating my favorite instant noodles
and husband managed to come home before midnight
to force me to eat my birthday cake...

I guess this has not been a great year
but nevertheless, i survived it...

First family trip

Since my family is full of kids,
we often went on family trips or outings together.
So, it came as a big surprise to me when i knew
that husband's last family trip was many years ago
and they probably didnt travel as a family for 10years!
Anyway, I suggested that we should do a family trip
and I proposed that we can go centerparc,
which is resort style place in the forest
where they used to spend christmas there
when they were kids.
To my surprise, after exploring the options of trips,
the in laws think that centerparc is a great idea!
So, all was booked and we were to go for 4 days at the end of october...

I didnt bring my camera because my mil is a big fan to take pictures
so i left the 'honor' for her to do so
and i dont have any photos to add to this blog.
I googled to give an idea of centerparc:

The biggest attraction is the indoor poor

which comes with a few water rides (Free)

while the other activites, eg bowling, golf...

are payable and quite expensive.

Since we went on a long weekend here in France,

I think we were prepared for the crowd.

However, is my first time to a public pool here,

i was totally shocked by the amount of people in the pool!

They had a counter outside the ppol entrance

and i think at 1 moment it shown 800+?!

Frankly, i do not remember much of the holiday,

except it was swimming pool every single day.

I think I got overdose of the pool

especially when im not really a water-person

and when its super crowded.

but it seems swimming pools are not so many as in Sg,

the family really wanted to make full use of the pool.

The rest of the holidays were spent in the cottage,

where the in laws brought lots of food to cook our meals,

having long conversations

and playing some boardgames.

It did felt a little like christmas where we spend time at in law's home

but i think is still nice to be out together as a family.

Probably im not a big fan of centerparc for now,

but it will be nice when we have more kids in the family..

Hmm, i guess its time to use my power of persuasion

to start thinking about family trip 2017??

5 lessons that my dad taught me...

Although you left us for 10 years,
you are often still in my thoughts...

5)Never be ashamed of your job
Maybe i was too young,
I never heard you once complained about being a hawker.
Even when you fried kway tiao stall didnt do well,
you tried to add fried hookien mee into your menu,
in the end, you ended up joing mum's yong tau foo,
yet, i never heard you say that maybe hawker is not for you
and tried to change your career.

I admit that i was immature 
and never was proud that my parents were hawkers.
I remembered that i was hurt deeply once,
my ex boyf laughed at how my allowance was all in $2 notes
and i felt like i couldnt defend you 
because i was not proud of your job.
End up, his friend scolded him
and indirectly reminded me that,
you are making a decent income,
you are not doing bad things to feed the family,
why should i be ashamed of your job?

4)Never lose your humor
Despite not being the best joker,
or ever good at telling jokes.
I lost count of the times that you repeated old jokes,
or told us jokes that you heard,
that ended up being unfunny after your interpretations.
Yet, in the last few months of your life,
i recalled sitting on your hospital bed,
trying to crack you up with silly jokes or acts,
and you never failed to laugh
or gave me a smile when you couldnt.
How many of us can be like you,
not losing our sense of humor
in face of pending death?

3) Be proud of your child
Being low educated and manual labors,
i guess you never had high hopes 
about how each of us will be successful in life.
You always told the same story 
how you saw really smart people who went crazy
in the mental hospitals,
that you would never force us to study.
Yet, all of your children managed to be university graduates.
And i always remember the pride you have on your face,
telling others how all your children are university graduates.
If you can see us now,
im sure you must be so proud that we are doing well in life...

2) Love your child unconditionally
After you left,
i always had the same image in mind,
it somehow became an anchor in my heart,
that whenever im feeling lost or simply tired of the world.
I remembered clearly how you used to cycle me after school
we went by the same garden to go back to the stall,
the garden was full of jackfruit trees
and i always told you that they were beehives
because i was young that i cant remembered the name of it.
Each time without fail, 
you always told me gently the correct chinese name for them.
Never once, you judge me for not remembering the name
or gave up at telling me repeatedly.
It was such a simple act of non-judgemental love,
that often reminds me that i should not worried whether im good enough 
because i deserved to be love as who i am.

1) Never never never give up...
I never known someone as brave as you.
You survived your first cancer,
even when it required a major surgery to remove your foodpipe,
with the risk that you may never eat normally again,
you managed to do so and lived a normal life.

In about a year, you got stroke that had you paralysed on the right side,
at your age and state of the stroke, 
no one had high hopes of your recovery,
yet, you worked hard at therapy,
created an umbrella cane because you didnt like having a real cane,
became mobile and independent in such a short period of time.
You never liked or let mum to hold you to show your independence,
but never once complained when i do so.

Life seems unfair to strike you with cancer again.
Even though we didnt dare to tell you the truth early,
you seemed to know and still tried your best to fight it.
I remembered the nights that you were in so much pain
and mistook me as a nurse begging me for more morphine,
but times when pain was berable,
you are back to your cheerful self to 'entertain' many who came to visit.
And in my heart,
i always felt that you left us so fast
within 3 months of the official diagnosis,
because you cant bear to see us 'tortured' by your sickness.
Your bravery is something I wish i have...

Its the month of november,
apart from being appreciative that you and mum gave me life
its also the birthday month of the 3 of us.
Till the day we meet again,
i will hold these lessons close to my heart....

Am i still in grief?

I remembered in 1 of my sessions with my therapist,
we were speaking about my father
and i asked 'When will grief ends?'
Despite studying grief process as part of my studies,
I really wondered about whether there is an end to it?
I kinda remembered that she answered maybe grief never ends,
but its just transit into a way that it interferes less in daily life.

This year, i had 2 big losses.
First, were the twins.
Next, was nono.
Since my sis-in-law got a new cat,
husband and i spoke about having a pet.
Although he is a cat person, 
I am a dog person,
im sure we can come to an agreement on which to have.
Or maybe a cat-dog.

I must say the idea of having a pet sounds good
especially now that we have no kids
and a terrace in home.
Yet, it will all come down to i dont want a pet
because im so afraid to feel the same pain when Nono left.
I wondered how so many people can continue to have pets
after their pets left them.
Maybe, im not good at handling deaths.

Finally, November is coming.
A big reminder that we could had been parents now
if the twins never left us.
Friends, who got pregnant at the same time,
had delivered or soon to deliver.
It does not help that we dont have good news each month.
At times, i wondered whether we lost our only chance to have kids.

Compared to husband,
im definitely less hopeful or excited 
at maybe we will have it this or next month
or even the near future.
As the trying becomes futile,
my hopes and efforts reduced.
It took us 10months to get the twins,
and it has been 6 months of trying now. 
Apart from the monthly disappointments,
I guess there is the fear of 'what if it happens again?'

I think I am not as brave as I thought.

Boss management

Since my training period,
I noticed that my boss and manager are micro-controllers
from the way they trained us,
or how they 'love' to comment while someone is on the phone,
eg you should say this and that,
are tell-signs that they are not easy to manage.

Although i have not suffered under their hands 
except from daily OT that they take for granted,
i do see my colleagues 'suffering'.
My colleague and i concluded that unlike them,
who are young and without families in france,
i have a french husband,
so they are more mindful in handling me
in case my husband decide to sue them, haha
Sounds a little crazy, 
but thats how 'wonderful' french employment laws are...

I thought i had seen the worse from my ex boss
but i never expect to meet the 'higher mountain' of bad management here.
First of all, micro-management.
They really micro-manage every single stuff.
I dont understand whats the point to ask how long i finish stuff A,
after giving a time limit
and checking every 10mins whether i finished stuff A.
I do not get the sarcastic comments that my colleagues received yet,
but im glad that they still try to control their patience for me,
be it for whatever reason. 

Second, using fear to manage
I think they didnt meant to use fear
but because of they constant screaming or scolding,
it creates fear in the office.
Its a big taboo to surf the web or even use our handphones.
At times, i wondered whether we are in prison.
Is not as if i have time to do anything else than work,
but i think it shouldnt be set as a 'law'.
Tonight, my colleague accidently locked us in office after she left,
we noticed it only 30mins after she left.
She rushed back from her home to unlock us,
before she arrived, she was already texting me whether the bosses are angry.
Even after the incident, 
she was still texting me about how the bosses reacted,
and how she is going to get a big scolding on Monday.
I told her not to be bothered about it,
yet, i see how fear had already sunk so deeply into her...

Third, i hate to use the word 'abuse',
but at least i think its really a mental abuse.
We have a part-timer that i agree creates more trouble
than solutions for us whenever he comes in.
However, i don't agree at how my bosses screamed at him
whenever he did something wrong.
Yes, it can be the 10000000x he did the wrong thing again,
but it doesnt give the bosses rights to scream at him,
and i mean really scream at him.
I know is common for bosses to belittle staff
to make themselves feel good.
What i cant stand is after all the screaming,
there is always the 'pet talk' on how they are trying to help you
thats why they screamed at you.
Talk about self-righteous abuse.

Recently, the weather turned chilly,
and the part-timer did not wore a coat to office.
Apart from the fact that he had been scolded continously
since he stepped into the office,
my colleague and i could see that he was really not taking it well that day.
My manager decided to pester him about not wearing a coat?!
like making comments that whether he thinks he is superman not afraid of cold,
going on and on about how she is 'worried' that we would fall sick,
yet, we dont have proper heater facilities in the office?
I think the part-timer got so pissed off,
he finally said that he doesnt have much formal coats for work.
Then my manager went on about how he is in office work,
he should own more formal clothes etcs....
He is a fresh graduate and working part time here,
how can they expect with him having more formal clothes
when they only pay us with minimum salary?

I felt so bad for him that i wrote him a note
that i can pass him husband's old coats if he doesnt mind.
He told me that he would be happy about it.
After telling husband about it,
he was happy to pass on his old stuff too.
So, the next day, i secretly handed him a bag of clothes.
Oh, we werent 'encouraged' to make some talks in office too,
thats why we communicate via secret post-it notes.

For the time being, 
i am still surviving well since i dont get it as bad as the rest.
But i think witnessing all these and cant do anything about it,
do build up the negative energy in me.
Strangely, my manager seems to 'enjoy' making small talks with me,
that i think are too personal stuff, eg how much husband earns, to share,
so i just bullshit alot to her.
And with my collegue making secret texts to me,
or asking me to help cover her up when she comes late for 5min,
i feel im in middle management once again
but this time, im just the lowest link of food chain.

I heard there is a place that you can whistle-blow 
on such harassment in offices,
but i think with only 5 of us in the office,
it will be too easy to be find out as the one to report it.
For the time being,
i guess i will try in my way to induce tiny bits of positive energy in office.

French and i...

Despite being in france for nearly 3 years,
my french sucks.
It seems like french is oil
and I am water,
we are never going to mix together perfectly.
I dont think French and me love each other so much...
Its not helping that Im working full time in english environment
I felt that French is slipping away faster than before
I remembered times where i could speak more fluent french
and now it seems even harder to do so as before.

Initially the plan was me being unemployed 
and french classes to start in mid september,
however, i started work full time
and classes got started too.
Its crazy that im working OT daily,
which is uncommon in France,
if im a french, im supposed to threaten to sue my company
or go on strikes,
till they pay me the extra hours that i worked.
Sadly, Im not french
and i want to be employed more than threatening my company,
so im the perfect employee to be exploited, haha

I tried to attend class once last wed..
I didnt knew that there was different level of classes
and accidently went to the basic class
because i managed to left work early 
and wasnt half dead yet.
Despite class starts at 8pm and i end work at 7pm,
it was a good 12mins walk from the station/my home to classes
I never expected the class to be so basic,
that we were learning a,b,c and 1-10!

Anyway, the teacher realised im above this level
and looked totally dead and bored,
oh, im the only one working in the class,
and i guess working full time is rarer,
she recommended that i go for the Tue and Thu level 2 class instead.
The class ended at 945pm and i reached home at 10pm.
The next day, i felt like a zombie 
and didnt force myself to go for the level 2 class.

Class is supposed to start officially in October
and i hope ill be able to survive this...

Singaporeans in Paris.

although i have been here coming 3years
i have not joined any singaporean évent here.
Apart from the embassy,
there is a singaporeans in France club
thats organise regular event
eg popian night etcs
but I think is just not in me to search
and miggle with fellow Singaporeans here

every year the embassy organize a ndp celebrations
I'm not even excited about ndp while in sg
I'm definitely not excited about it here
due to the summer holidays
the celebration is normally in Sept.
This year, I decided to ask for the invitation card for the event
since 1 of my fellow Singaporean friend is going
husband was really looking forward
because he was sure food will be great, haha.

oh there was a recommended dresscode
of red and white or traditional costumes
of course, we didn't follow the dress code.
we were late because we had so much errands to do
but people were still arriving after us
I was suprised to see the number of people attending the event.
And it was held in a nice and expensive location in paris...

Apart from the usual speeches,
where no one was paying attention to,
nationals day songs on repeat mode,
there was the lucky draw for a SQ ticket to singapore,
quiz on Singapore to win presents,
free flow alcohol (champagne too)
and of course, buffet of food!

We didnt queue for the main buffer line
because there was a long queue
and looked like it was curry puff, noodles etcs
But we did enjoy munching the small stuff 
that was put on the small tables around
and what the waiters were bringing around,
which disappeared super fast.
So Singaporean to focus on the food..
Oh, they had free flow masala tea too,
which was sooooo good.

We spent some time with my friend
but left after 2 hours.
Going grocery shopping was more attractive
then staying around not knowing anyone else.

I guess if in the future we have a kid
we probably will enjoy such events more
but for now, i think its okay to just stop by
and not spend crazy amount of time there
Well, im not that patriotic i guess.

*Pictures taken from the club's facebook*