Therapeutic house chores

I think i inherited some OCD genes from my mum
Although im not as extreme as she is
I do have my steps and procedures to follow
with regards to house chores and cleaning
which i think becomes more obvious in our new apartment.

And i will become upset when husband didnt do it my way, opps
I remembered when i was suffering from my lungs infections
I had to force myself to look away when husband was hanging the laundry
because it was not my way, haha
Yes, lying and feeling all weak and still worry about the laundry....

I always find laundry hanging very therapeutic
it just takes my mind off
while im choosing the type of hangers to use,
the way to hang or seeing everything done

The other therapeutic chore for me is washing the dishes
we are probably the rare few in paris that doesnt have a dish washer machine
we dont have the space for it and i truly like washing dishes..
From a full sink of dirty dishes
to all cleaned and tucked away
What a sense of satisfaction!

My latest therapeutic chore is ironing!
I cant remember the last time i ironed something
And husband normally just wore shirts unironed for work
I guess my mum's method to hang dry the shirts helped them to look less crumbled
Recentlt husband decided to invest in new shirts
i had to iron the new shirts to remove the packing lines
and i got hooked, I ironed all his existing shirts and polo tees!

Im not sure whether ill find all these chores therapeutic when im working full time or have a kid
but for now im a dedicated or crazy housewife...

Bye bye nono...

I was secretly happy that the month may is coming to an end

and nothing unlucky had happened 

except that i caught a cold

and the bad news had to arrive, nono left us...

Is strange how im usually awake after 9am these days

and on last thursday i accidently set alarm at 7am.

Maybe is fate or nono sent me a telepathy,

my sister updated me that nono was vsick in the hospital

and awhile later we chose to put him to sleep as he was suffering.

It was so sudden.

Despite i suspected that nono is sick because he lost a lot of weight

when i saw him in February

or i always told husband that nono is old and will leave soon,

i never expected it to be so sudden.

Nono has been with us for 13 years.

He is sort of my first official pet,

minus the tortises, fishes or hamsters i "killed"

I remembered that we went to shop for a dog with my family

we never thought to choose a maltese

and what caught my eyes was in the group of malteses,

he was sitting there and dragging himself with his front paws,

probably because he has an itchy butt

but it was enough for us to choose him to bring home..

He was so cute.

He was definitely more active than the normal maltese

Constantly playing chase,

peeing in wrong place and hide in his "prison" whenever we wanted to scold him,

scaring me by barking non-stop at a dark corner when i was home alone with him,

Or "dragging" me when i bring him for walks...

After my dad's stroke,

he will always laid beside my dad's chair

keeping my dad accompanied and enjoying the tummy rubs...

nono also has to endured the bad haircuts that i gave him at times...

I think i became much closer to nono after my dad's death

I forgot the reason why i was sleeping in the living room for awhile,

and nono became my sleeping companion every night

at times, i was so scared that i may accidently crash him while sleeping

that i will wake him up in wee hours to check if he is alive

or laugh at him when he is dreaming...

I rmemebered that once we went for a holiday and placed him at the pe hotel

the pet hotel called us as nono was not eating or drinking 

and wanted us to bring him home

Luckily PT was around and told us how happy nono was happy to see him

Nono ate and drank so much when he went home

Such a cowardy dog but always first to help us check when a cockroach enters our home...

During my depression,

he will be the one licking my tears

and do nothing beside me to give me some comfort..

I rmemebered once I was about to take my pills to suicide

and found that he was drinking out of my glass of water

I gave up the thought that night because it was like him telling me not to do it

Sadly, years on i shifted with my sister

while nono continued to stay with my brother

So my time with nono reduced except when i went over to my brother's home

luckily, the kids loved to have nono around...

and i believed he must love all the attention from everyone...

Before i came to paris, i stayed at my brother's home

and had more time with nono

but i was always so busy with work

and nono was older and less active

but he still do come over and sit by my feet while i worked at nights...

Since i relocated,

we can only visit nono once a year when we visit my brother's home

husband always remarked how nono seems to recognise me

even though he has not seen me for awhile

and at times slept beside me when i fell asleep on sofa watching boring CNY tv shows...

It is so strange to know that i will never see him again

for my next trip back to Singapore

how i will miss his loving personality and peculair smelly smell

but im sure he will be in heaven with my dad and babies

and someday, we will meet again.

Goodbye my friend...

Weekend trip - Chartres

I just realised that husband and i never went on a weekend trip in France
He either take leaves from work
or we will go somewhere during the long weekend public holidays
Or it will be a day trip
but never just for a night
I guess the main reason is because husband dont drive
and its definitely cheaper if we can just drive to visit places around
I hope he will be motived to start practice his driving
and have the confidence to drive soon...

After staying at home for the longest time,
I decided that I needed a short trip to get my mind off what has happened
Probably it was not a good time to travel 
as physically i was still recovering from the abortion
That was a day where i went to a neighbourhood nearby
walked and explored for about 2hours plus
but end up feeling unwell for the rest of the day and next few days...
at least i managed to moved and got some fresh air...

In consideration for our pockets,
my physical condition
and what interests us - I like unique cities and husband likes nature,
I accidently stumbled to find a small town near paris to go for the weekend.
So, we booked a hotel and the train tickets on Thursday for a short overnight trip on Saturday.
Chartres was a 2 hours train ride from Paris.

Since it was supposed to be spring and i wanted to dress up
I was very underdressed for the trip
because of a sudden cold wave that sweeped across France
it definitel felt like winter than spring.
Despite the cold, we still managed to visit most of what we planned

We arrived at about 10am
checked in our hotel and went to the town Saturday's market
Sadly, there wasnt much food or goodies that interest us
we bought the local speciality - Ginger bread man in chocolate
All the supposed local specialities were not easy to find as we hoped for
Husband also bought the sugar coated chocolates
We mainly found those at the bakeries.

Maison Picassiette
Basically someone decided to redecorate his home with glass pieces that he collected
and it became an attraction of the city
However, it was really out of the city center
that we took a long walk about 30-40 mins frim the city
It was bigger than we expected
and i think i was too tired and cold to admire the house
but husband was enjoying himself

We then took the long walk back to the city
went for lunch at a bistro and explored alittle
before heading back to hotel for the needed rest

Since it was a small city
we had some difficulty to search for dinner
husband read online that restuarants are normally booked a week in advance
and we were surprised that many restuarants hung the sign "fully booked" on their doors at 5pm
In the end, we didnt want to spend too much for an expensive restuarant
and went to my first indian restuarant in France!
I was really shocked that the curries arent spicy at all
it felt like curries for babies
although it still taste good.
While it was empty when we went in
it bgun to fill up thereafter...

Night lights
The main highlight of the trip will be the night lights
apparently chartres is famous for night lights from april to september
Since the night was cold 
we decided to take the touristy train for the city tour
and the lights were definitely better than we expected
we thought it will just be lights decorating the city
but didnt expect that lights will be shone on the buildings
and some even had animinations!
It definitely worth it for us to stay a night

The next day we had a late check out
went to a burger restuarant for lunch and it was time for the train.
It definitely was a good trip away from the routine
but i think i walked too much when im supposed to rest
hmmm maybe thats why im being tortured by backache now...
brrrrr....

Icon of misfortune 2016

I used to always laugh at husband
for being the icon of misfortune
like Lee Kwang Soo in Running Man
Then I realised im the biggest icon of misfortune
since 2016 started...

January 2016
Visa issues that almost made us missed our flight back to Singapore

February 2016
Misdiagnosed lung infection
that made me suffer for a week
and almost missed our flight to Singapore again

March 2016
My babysitting family informed me that they will be shifting to Africa
so I will be unemployed after July 
after finally 2 years of holding on to the job and made the girls to hate me less

April 2016
Became pregnant but had to terminate pregnancy as baby is not growing
Bleeding supposed to stop after 5 days but is not stopping
I hope it wont end up in D&C 
to continue my misfortune to May

When will i be less unlucky?

When the happiest news became the saddest news...

Few weeks ago,
we found out I got pregnant naturally.
It came as a big suprise 
considering i dont ovulate normally,
we went through the visits to infertility centre,
all the tests
and finally was to start clomid.

While I was experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms,
writing down all the baby and me draft blog post,
telling close friends and family about the news,
and patiently waiting for the 3 months mark 
to finally announce to the whole world
and it became the saddest and hardest blog post that i have to write.
Without me dropping a tear or 2.

It came as a surprise 
and left as a surprise... 

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6 apr

Hello baby,
Today we finally see you at the gynae
But sadly is very bad news.
We were really looking forward to see you
Because we have been trying for so many months
And you came as a big surprise for us.

However,
The gynae said you are too small in your sac
And she saw no heartbeat
Although you should be in 7/8weeks
Which means you have stopped developing
And we need say bye bye to you.

Maman is going back to see gynae in 5days
But we know the high possibility that you are gone
And we wont detect your heartbeat in 5days.
Most likely, Maman will be taking med to let you out next weekend.
It's crazy how she never believe she is pregnant
When she finally accepted that you are here is time for you to go.

Papa is sad too
But he is trying his best to cheer Maman up
And still have hope that Monday you will show your heartbeat
He is also trying be optimistic that we will have a another you soon.

As papa is going for a trip next few days,
Your grandparents and aunts are very worried for Maman,
And insist that she go stay with them
But Maman prefer to grieve at home
And not deal with comforting words from people.

Maman is still feeling very pregnant
And having morning sickness
Although you are already not here
It will be strange that next week Maman will feel un-pregnant.
And all this will feel like a dream.

Although we didn't have chance
To know you for a longer time
Or to see you for a few more times,
We grew to love you and you have become part of our lives.
It's going to be hard to be back to lives before you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11apr

Today maman went to gynae alone
Because papa is overseas
It will be the final ultrasound scan
To see whether you grown
Or if you have a heartbeat
Sadly, it was bad news

Gynae saw another embyro in the sac
It means there could be 2 of you
But all of you went gone
Maman was given medicine to take on sat
To take both of you away

Maman was prepared to let you go
But was sad to know is both of you
Papa said that he hoped not to have twins
But Maman know its not his fault
Just the risks were higher

Maman texted her close friends,
Your ah Yi and godpa the bad news
Everyone is sad
But gave courage to Maman

Papa is sad too
Because he was hoping that you made it
Maman bought a nice box
To keep your photos and test kits
It's time to let go.

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16apr - day of induced abortion

0520 - first dose
I managed to wake up earlier than planned
Took my breakfast, the painkiller,
The dreadful med and prepare heatpack
I also start cooking a pot of porridge
In case I will be too much pain later on

Pain started at about 9ish
Very bad cramps but no spotting/blood
Feels like uterus is forcing to start the process
Finally, first drop of blood
But nothing after except for very bad cramps
I wanted to kill someone

1000 - 2nd dose
Pain seemed to subside
I managed to eat porridge, took my painkiller
And took the second dose at 1000.
Very light bleeding starts.

1230
Sudden sharp pain and cramps
I went toilet very often
As its the most comfortable position to be
Suddenly, i felt like a small balloon burst
Then lots of watery blood
I felt less pain and cramp
Maybe the sac has been passed out
But not too much bleeding
I can't really see anything in toilet

1400 - 3rd dose
I was afraid
That is not a clean miscarriage
And need go for dnc??
Supposed to be much more blood clots?
Cramps reduced and i managed to eat lunch
Take 3rd and last dose at 1400.

1550
Very sharp pain and cramps
I thinks is the contractions
Because they come and goes for past 40mins
But it was terrible
Felt like someone stabbed me and turning the knife inside me

Finally, i went toilet
And saw I passed a big clot on pad
Didn't look like blood clot
It was pink and greyish
Looks like an alien monster at about 10-15cm
Is it the placenta?

Husband came and see
He was shocked that it was so big
We all expected a 2/3cm sac to be passed out
Since gynae said sac was only 6mm
Very bad cramps and heavy flow thereafter
Hopefully cramps and flow will stop soon.

1730
Contractions continued but with longer time gaps
But it felt to be taking turn on left and right side
I went to toilet and managed to pass out
A smaller monster piece again
More bleeding came
And finally all subsided around 1800
And felt like a normal but lighter period.

I survived without complications.
The last step will be to go for scan on Thu
Hopefully all had been cleared

To my baby:
I'm sorry that we can't do anything
To protect you or keep you growing well
You had been very brave and fight well
I'm sorry that you can't be here with us
But im sure that you wont be alone
In heaven, gong gong is waiting for you
Someday I will see you again
Goodbye for now,
My almost-child...

TEFAF@Masstricht

Normally I will be depressed after our trip to Singapore
However, this year I didnt have much time to be depressed
Less than a week in France, 
I was to leave for 10 days to Masstricht, Holland to help the Redpencil at TEFAF
Redpencil is an organisation that aims to bring art therapy to families and children.
Basically it started when my classmate told me that Redpencil is looking for a coordinator in Paris
and i wrote to them that I will be interested to help but not as coordinator
because of my bad french
So, i started to be involved and they needed volunteers with this event, so I agreed to go

Apart from husband,
I think i really need to thank my boss
She is so nice to allow me to take leave again after my 1month leave to go Singapore
I still find it a little sad that the whole family is shifting to Africa soon

Although the org covers the transportation and hotel fees,
we were tasked to book our own train tickets
Due to the train strikes happening in Paris for 8-10Mar,
I only left paris on 10mar morning instead of the required 9 mar.
I was a little upset because i was coordinating with my supposed room mate but she wasnt so helpful
and I got the idea that she was a staff so i depended more on her
In the end, I will say the 10 days staying together definitely helped in understanding what happened
im so glad that we didnt hate each other and became friends instead

The TEFAF is located in a small city of Holland
and the worst is the exhibition hall is 10min drive from the center
and we are staying in the hotel beside the exhibition hall
There is basically nothing around, as in nothing
Our meals were either in the hotel or the exhibition hall 
which became very boring in a few days.
Since we were expected to be at our fundraising booth everyday from 11-7
We didnt have much life
Especially when we heard that shops closes at 6/7pm daily at the center
There were 2 evenings that we did had dinner elsewhere 
with the other staff of the organisation

I will say despite the hard work to ask for donations etcs
It is definitely an eye opener to be at TEFAF
where tickets are priced at 60eur/day and so far from the city,
I dont think I will ever go there on my own
Meeting different people from the world of private arts collectors and galleries
is also a new experience for me
everyday felt like im in a big musesum
and hope i dont accidently fall or spill water on any art piece.

Finally on thursday evening,
we went to the center for dinner and shopping!
I remembered it so well because thursdays are the only days that shops are opened till 9pm!
I desperately need to buy a pair of shoes
because i only have a pair of boots that i wore daily
and it was really stinky! 
Luckily, i managed to find a new pair of shoes
and we get to eat mcdonald for dinners!
I was so happy to eat unhealthy and cheap food 
than the same hotel menu everyday
Well, we did found a small kebab shop near hotel on our departure day
but its kinda too late
I quite like the look of the center
I think is time to look at planning a holiday to holland!!

By the 7th day, i got so tired of speaking and standing

that my energy level reduced drastically and i want to be home soon!

I was so happy on the last day but dreaded the near 5hours travel

which takes about 5 transfers for me to be home?!

I was happy to be home and i think I will have a rest before volunteering for so long again

last week in Singapore

After the husband left Singapore,
I practically did not have much plans for my last week
Basically is just meeting my friends at any slots they can do it
And spending my last day wandering around with my sister.
Times flies and it was time to leave...
Thank you everyone for making time to meet me
Im missing everyone so much!!!