we found out I got pregnant naturally.
It came as a big suprise
considering i dont ovulate normally,
we went through the visits to infertility centre,
all the tests
and finally was to start clomid.
While I was experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms,
writing down all the baby and me draft blog post,
telling close friends and family about the news,
and patiently waiting for the 3 months mark
to finally announce to the whole world
and it became the saddest and hardest blog post that i have to write.
Without me dropping a tear or 2.
It came as a surprise
and left as a surprise...
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6 apr
Hello baby,
Today we finally see you at the gynae
But sadly is very bad news.
We were really looking forward to see you
Because we have been trying for so many months
And you came as a big surprise for us.
However,
The gynae said you are too small in your sac
And she saw no heartbeat
Although you should be in 7/8weeks
Which means you have stopped developing
And we need say bye bye to you.
Maman is going back to see gynae in 5days
But we know the high possibility that you are gone
And we wont detect your heartbeat in 5days.
Most likely, Maman will be taking med to let you out next weekend.
It's crazy how she never believe she is pregnant
When she finally accepted that you are here is time for you to go.
Papa is sad too
But he is trying his best to cheer Maman up
And still have hope that Monday you will show your heartbeat
He is also trying be optimistic that we will have a another you soon.
As papa is going for a trip next few days,
Your grandparents and aunts are very worried for Maman,
And insist that she go stay with them
But Maman prefer to grieve at home
And not deal with comforting words from people.
Maman is still feeling very pregnant
And having morning sickness
Although you are already not here
It will be strange that next week Maman will feel un-pregnant.
And all this will feel like a dream.
Although we didn't have chance
To know you for a longer time
Or to see you for a few more times,
We grew to love you and you have become part of our lives.
It's going to be hard to be back to lives before you.
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11apr
Today maman went to gynae alone
Because papa is overseas
It will be the final ultrasound scan
To see whether you grown
Or if you have a heartbeat
Sadly, it was bad news
Gynae saw another embyro in the sac
It means there could be 2 of you
But all of you went gone
Maman was given medicine to take on sat
To take both of you away
Maman was prepared to let you go
But was sad to know is both of you
Papa said that he hoped not to have twins
But Maman know its not his fault
Just the risks were higher
Maman texted her close friends,
Your ah Yi and godpa the bad news
Everyone is sad
But gave courage to Maman
Papa is sad too
Because he was hoping that you made it
Maman bought a nice box
To keep your photos and test kits
It's time to let go.
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16apr - day of induced abortion
0520 - first dose
I managed to wake up earlier than planned
Took my breakfast, the painkiller,
The dreadful med and prepare heatpack
I also start cooking a pot of porridge
In case I will be too much pain later on
Pain started at about 9ish
Very bad cramps but no spotting/blood
Feels like uterus is forcing to start the process
Finally, first drop of blood
But nothing after except for very bad cramps
I wanted to kill someone
1000 - 2nd dose
Pain seemed to subside
I managed to eat porridge, took my painkiller
And took the second dose at 1000.
Very light bleeding starts.
1230
Sudden sharp pain and cramps
I went toilet very often
As its the most comfortable position to be
Suddenly, i felt like a small balloon burst
Then lots of watery blood
I felt less pain and cramp
Maybe the sac has been passed out
But not too much bleeding
I can't really see anything in toilet
1400 - 3rd dose
I was afraid
That is not a clean miscarriage
And need go for dnc??
Supposed to be much more blood clots?
Cramps reduced and i managed to eat lunch
Take 3rd and last dose at 1400.
1550
Very sharp pain and cramps
I thinks is the contractions
Because they come and goes for past 40mins
But it was terrible
Felt like someone stabbed me and turning the knife inside me
Finally, i went toilet
And saw I passed a big clot on pad
Didn't look like blood clot
It was pink and greyish
Looks like an alien monster at about 10-15cm
Is it the placenta?
Husband came and see
He was shocked that it was so big
We all expected a 2/3cm sac to be passed out
Since gynae said sac was only 6mm
Very bad cramps and heavy flow thereafter
Hopefully cramps and flow will stop soon.
1730
Contractions continued but with longer time gaps
But it felt to be taking turn on left and right side
I went to toilet and managed to pass out
A smaller monster piece again
More bleeding came
And finally all subsided around 1800
And felt like a normal but lighter period.
I survived without complications.
The last step will be to go for scan on Thu
Hopefully all had been cleared
To my baby:
I'm sorry that we can't do anything
To protect you or keep you growing well
You had been very brave and fight well
I'm sorry that you can't be here with us
But im sure that you wont be alone
In heaven, gong gong is waiting for you
Someday I will see you again
Goodbye for now,
My almost-child...
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