I remembered in 1 of my sessions with my therapist,
we were speaking about my father
and i asked 'When will grief ends?'
Despite studying grief process as part of my studies,
I really wondered about whether there is an end to it?
I kinda remembered that she answered maybe grief never ends,
but its just transit into a way that it interferes less in daily life.
This year, i had 2 big losses.
First, were the twins.
Next, was nono.
Since my sis-in-law got a new cat,
husband and i spoke about having a pet.
Although he is a cat person,
I am a dog person,
im sure we can come to an agreement on which to have.
Or maybe a cat-dog.
I must say the idea of having a pet sounds good
especially now that we have no kids
and a terrace in home.
Yet, it will all come down to i dont want a pet
because im so afraid to feel the same pain when Nono left.
I wondered how so many people can continue to have pets
after their pets left them.
Maybe, im not good at handling deaths.
Finally, November is coming.
A big reminder that we could had been parents now
if the twins never left us.
Friends, who got pregnant at the same time,
had delivered or soon to deliver.
It does not help that we dont have good news each month.
At times, i wondered whether we lost our only chance to have kids.
Compared to husband,
im definitely less hopeful or excited
at maybe we will have it this or next month
or even the near future.
As the trying becomes futile,
my hopes and efforts reduced.
It took us 10months to get the twins,
and it has been 6 months of trying now.
Apart from the monthly disappointments,
I guess there is the fear of 'what if it happens again?'
I think I am not as brave as I thought.
Since my training period,
I noticed that my boss and manager are micro-controllers
from the way they trained us,
or how they 'love' to comment while someone is on the phone,
eg you should say this and that,
are tell-signs that they are not easy to manage.
Although i have not suffered under their hands
except from daily OT that they take for granted,
i do see my colleagues 'suffering'.
My colleague and i concluded that unlike them,
who are young and without families in france,
i have a french husband,
so they are more mindful in handling me
in case my husband decide to sue them, haha
Sounds a little crazy,
but thats how 'wonderful' french employment laws are...
I thought i had seen the worse from my ex boss
but i never expect to meet the 'higher mountain' of bad management here.
First of all, micro-management.
They really micro-manage every single stuff.
I dont understand whats the point to ask how long i finish stuff A,
after giving a time limit
and checking every 10mins whether i finished stuff A.
I do not get the sarcastic comments that my colleagues received yet,
but im glad that they still try to control their patience for me,
be it for whatever reason.
Second, using fear to manage
I think they didnt meant to use fear
but because of they constant screaming or scolding,
it creates fear in the office.
Its a big taboo to surf the web or even use our handphones.
At times, i wondered whether we are in prison.
Is not as if i have time to do anything else than work,
but i think it shouldnt be set as a 'law'.
Tonight, my colleague accidently locked us in office after she left,
we noticed it only 30mins after she left.
She rushed back from her home to unlock us,
before she arrived, she was already texting me whether the bosses are angry.
Even after the incident,
she was still texting me about how the bosses reacted,
and how she is going to get a big scolding on Monday.
I told her not to be bothered about it,
yet, i see how fear had already sunk so deeply into her...
Third, i hate to use the word 'abuse',
but at least i think its really a mental abuse.
We have a part-timer that i agree creates more trouble
than solutions for us whenever he comes in.
However, i don't agree at how my bosses screamed at him
whenever he did something wrong.
Yes, it can be the 10000000x he did the wrong thing again,
but it doesnt give the bosses rights to scream at him,
and i mean really scream at him.
I know is common for bosses to belittle staff
to make themselves feel good.
What i cant stand is after all the screaming,
there is always the 'pet talk' on how they are trying to help you
thats why they screamed at you.
Talk about self-righteous abuse.
Recently, the weather turned chilly,
and the part-timer did not wore a coat to office.
Apart from the fact that he had been scolded continously
since he stepped into the office,
my colleague and i could see that he was really not taking it well that day.
My manager decided to pester him about not wearing a coat?!
like making comments that whether he thinks he is superman not afraid of cold,
going on and on about how she is 'worried' that we would fall sick,
yet, we dont have proper heater facilities in the office?
I think the part-timer got so pissed off,
he finally said that he doesnt have much formal coats for work.
Then my manager went on about how he is in office work,
he should own more formal clothes etcs....
He is a fresh graduate and working part time here,
how can they expect with him having more formal clothes
when they only pay us with minimum salary?
I felt so bad for him that i wrote him a note
that i can pass him husband's old coats if he doesnt mind.
He told me that he would be happy about it.
After telling husband about it,
he was happy to pass on his old stuff too.
So, the next day, i secretly handed him a bag of clothes.
Oh, we werent 'encouraged' to make some talks in office too,
thats why we communicate via secret post-it notes.
For the time being,
i am still surviving well since i dont get it as bad as the rest.
But i think witnessing all these and cant do anything about it,
do build up the negative energy in me.
Strangely, my manager seems to 'enjoy' making small talks with me,
that i think are too personal stuff, eg how much husband earns, to share,
so i just bullshit alot to her.
And with my collegue making secret texts to me,
or asking me to help cover her up when she comes late for 5min,
i feel im in middle management once again
but this time, im just the lowest link of food chain.
I heard there is a place that you can whistle-blow
on such harassment in offices,
but i think with only 5 of us in the office,
it will be too easy to be find out as the one to report it.
For the time being,
i guess i will try in my way to induce tiny bits of positive energy in office.
