Roles in life

Last week, i was complaining to husband (as usual)
and i think what i said made him feel really bad
But i guess is normal im feeling this way
especially now that im on holidays and staying at home to avoid the sun, haha

I miss the different roles i used to play in my life
I know with the technology advancements, eg whatsapp, FB
im still playing these roles virtually (mentally and emotionally)
Yet, i cant help missing to be physically involved in these roles.
As usual, i should do something about it than complaining
or licking my wounds and indulged in self pity
but is hard.

Being a daughter
Maybe because we are at the stage of looking to be parents
I reflected (brain fuck) myself about my parents
how they did so much to provide for us that we can achieve what we have now
Seems like an investment with no repayments 
I have done little to thank them or do something nice to repay them
For my father, is a little too late to do anything

For my mother, I think I spend more time being bochup or getting pissed off at her
She may not be a perfect mother
but Im not a perfect daughter too
I guess distance makes the heart fonder
I start to appreciate what she did for me
Like how she often cook mee hun kway for me and tell me is so easy
when i try to cook it here and realised how much effort is needed

Frankly, i dont think i have a close relationship with my mum
I know i should call her more often than once a month
Part of me just want to call her when i have good news to share
I think this is common throughout my current relationships with everyone in Singapore
I dont want people to worry for me while being 6000+km away

In Singapore, i used to be so lazy to go out on weekends with my family
or worked so much that i dont even see them much on weekdays
and now, I actually miss (regret) for not doing that 

Being a sister
I think im really lucky to have a good relationship with my sister now
When I was really young, I think my sister took up the mothering role
LIke reading me stories during blackouts or feeding me when i was lazy to even hold my own spoon
We didnt have a good relationship in our teens because i was been a bitch
But as adults, we managed to build up our current relationship
that Im always so thankful to have her as my sister
And is not a surprise how I (even husband) feel closer to her kids than my brother's kids

At times, when she share with me her issues with my mother
I wish I can be there to share her burden
If im living in Singapore, maybe the pressure for caring for my mother can be lessen
well, at least my mother will have me as another outlet to vent her frustrations
Yet, there is not much that i can do for my sister
Although I can only see her once a year,
I hope I can still be a good sister to her like how she is to me for so long

When I was really young, I am closer to my brother
because we often gang up together to bully my sister, haha!
We do not speak often even when im in Singapore
But i do appreciate how he do take time to spend family time with us
whenever im in Singapore

Being a friend
Everytime when im in Singapore or friends come for a visit
I really enjoyed all the time with them
Of course, I enjoy having friends to verbal diarrhea and speaking in Singlish,
i realised what i missed the most is being a friend
being someone they trust to tell me stuff or ask for advice.
Im glad that husband's friends include me into their group
but I really miss being a friend as myself and not known as cyril's wife
I always suffer from friendship withdrawal symptoms after SG or visit
I never knew how hard it is be away from friends
Or maybe, i miss this part of me when im with friends

Yes, i can make new friends here
Im blaming that im too old and lazy to develop friendships 
Especially friendships that took so many years to build and maintain
The old jokes and how well they know me
I do not have many friends
but is crazy how my closer friends now have known me for so many years
and i miss this kind of connection

Being a colleague
I never ever expect myself to miss being a colleague
considering that I work better individually and dread teamwork
But i actually miss having a group of people working towards same goals,
with same knowledge and complaing about the boss
Now as a babysitter, I should be happy how is really an individual jobscope
However, I miss having people at work

I think the new role of being a wife is what i enjoy
Sadly, im not satisfied having a solo role in my life
Maybe someday when i take on the role of being a mother
life will be better for me
or maybe not
Hell, Im missing everyone back in Singapore...