Am i still in grief?

I remembered in 1 of my sessions with my therapist,
we were speaking about my father
and i asked 'When will grief ends?'
Despite studying grief process as part of my studies,
I really wondered about whether there is an end to it?
I kinda remembered that she answered maybe grief never ends,
but its just transit into a way that it interferes less in daily life.

This year, i had 2 big losses.
First, were the twins.
Next, was nono.
Since my sis-in-law got a new cat,
husband and i spoke about having a pet.
Although he is a cat person, 
I am a dog person,
im sure we can come to an agreement on which to have.
Or maybe a cat-dog.

I must say the idea of having a pet sounds good
especially now that we have no kids
and a terrace in home.
Yet, it will all come down to i dont want a pet
because im so afraid to feel the same pain when Nono left.
I wondered how so many people can continue to have pets
after their pets left them.
Maybe, im not good at handling deaths.

Finally, November is coming.
A big reminder that we could had been parents now
if the twins never left us.
Friends, who got pregnant at the same time,
had delivered or soon to deliver.
It does not help that we dont have good news each month.
At times, i wondered whether we lost our only chance to have kids.

Compared to husband,
im definitely less hopeful or excited 
at maybe we will have it this or next month
or even the near future.
As the trying becomes futile,
my hopes and efforts reduced.
It took us 10months to get the twins,
and it has been 6 months of trying now. 
Apart from the monthly disappointments,
I guess there is the fear of 'what if it happens again?'

I think I am not as brave as I thought.

Boss management

Since my training period,
I noticed that my boss and manager are micro-controllers
from the way they trained us,
or how they 'love' to comment while someone is on the phone,
eg you should say this and that,
are tell-signs that they are not easy to manage.

Although i have not suffered under their hands 
except from daily OT that they take for granted,
i do see my colleagues 'suffering'.
My colleague and i concluded that unlike them,
who are young and without families in france,
i have a french husband,
so they are more mindful in handling me
in case my husband decide to sue them, haha
Sounds a little crazy, 
but thats how 'wonderful' french employment laws are...

I thought i had seen the worse from my ex boss
but i never expect to meet the 'higher mountain' of bad management here.
First of all, micro-management.
They really micro-manage every single stuff.
I dont understand whats the point to ask how long i finish stuff A,
after giving a time limit
and checking every 10mins whether i finished stuff A.
I do not get the sarcastic comments that my colleagues received yet,
but im glad that they still try to control their patience for me,
be it for whatever reason. 

Second, using fear to manage
I think they didnt meant to use fear
but because of they constant screaming or scolding,
it creates fear in the office.
Its a big taboo to surf the web or even use our handphones.
At times, i wondered whether we are in prison.
Is not as if i have time to do anything else than work,
but i think it shouldnt be set as a 'law'.
Tonight, my colleague accidently locked us in office after she left,
we noticed it only 30mins after she left.
She rushed back from her home to unlock us,
before she arrived, she was already texting me whether the bosses are angry.
Even after the incident, 
she was still texting me about how the bosses reacted,
and how she is going to get a big scolding on Monday.
I told her not to be bothered about it,
yet, i see how fear had already sunk so deeply into her...

Third, i hate to use the word 'abuse',
but at least i think its really a mental abuse.
We have a part-timer that i agree creates more trouble
than solutions for us whenever he comes in.
However, i don't agree at how my bosses screamed at him
whenever he did something wrong.
Yes, it can be the 10000000x he did the wrong thing again,
but it doesnt give the bosses rights to scream at him,
and i mean really scream at him.
I know is common for bosses to belittle staff
to make themselves feel good.
What i cant stand is after all the screaming,
there is always the 'pet talk' on how they are trying to help you
thats why they screamed at you.
Talk about self-righteous abuse.

Recently, the weather turned chilly,
and the part-timer did not wore a coat to office.
Apart from the fact that he had been scolded continously
since he stepped into the office,
my colleague and i could see that he was really not taking it well that day.
My manager decided to pester him about not wearing a coat?!
like making comments that whether he thinks he is superman not afraid of cold,
going on and on about how she is 'worried' that we would fall sick,
yet, we dont have proper heater facilities in the office?
I think the part-timer got so pissed off,
he finally said that he doesnt have much formal coats for work.
Then my manager went on about how he is in office work,
he should own more formal clothes etcs....
He is a fresh graduate and working part time here,
how can they expect with him having more formal clothes
when they only pay us with minimum salary?

I felt so bad for him that i wrote him a note
that i can pass him husband's old coats if he doesnt mind.
He told me that he would be happy about it.
After telling husband about it,
he was happy to pass on his old stuff too.
So, the next day, i secretly handed him a bag of clothes.
Oh, we werent 'encouraged' to make some talks in office too,
thats why we communicate via secret post-it notes.

For the time being, 
i am still surviving well since i dont get it as bad as the rest.
But i think witnessing all these and cant do anything about it,
do build up the negative energy in me.
Strangely, my manager seems to 'enjoy' making small talks with me,
that i think are too personal stuff, eg how much husband earns, to share,
so i just bullshit alot to her.
And with my collegue making secret texts to me,
or asking me to help cover her up when she comes late for 5min,
i feel im in middle management once again
but this time, im just the lowest link of food chain.

I heard there is a place that you can whistle-blow 
on such harassment in offices,
but i think with only 5 of us in the office,
it will be too easy to be find out as the one to report it.
For the time being,
i guess i will try in my way to induce tiny bits of positive energy in office.

French and i...

Despite being in france for nearly 3 years,
my french sucks.
It seems like french is oil
and I am water,
we are never going to mix together perfectly.
I dont think French and me love each other so much...
Its not helping that Im working full time in english environment
I felt that French is slipping away faster than before
I remembered times where i could speak more fluent french
and now it seems even harder to do so as before.

Initially the plan was me being unemployed 
and french classes to start in mid september,
however, i started work full time
and classes got started too.
Its crazy that im working OT daily,
which is uncommon in France,
if im a french, im supposed to threaten to sue my company
or go on strikes,
till they pay me the extra hours that i worked.
Sadly, Im not french
and i want to be employed more than threatening my company,
so im the perfect employee to be exploited, haha

I tried to attend class once last wed..
I didnt knew that there was different level of classes
and accidently went to the basic class
because i managed to left work early 
and wasnt half dead yet.
Despite class starts at 8pm and i end work at 7pm,
it was a good 12mins walk from the station/my home to classes
I never expected the class to be so basic,
that we were learning a,b,c and 1-10!

Anyway, the teacher realised im above this level
and looked totally dead and bored,
oh, im the only one working in the class,
and i guess working full time is rarer,
she recommended that i go for the Tue and Thu level 2 class instead.
The class ended at 945pm and i reached home at 10pm.
The next day, i felt like a zombie 
and didnt force myself to go for the level 2 class.

Class is supposed to start officially in October
and i hope ill be able to survive this...

Singaporeans in Paris.

although i have been here coming 3years
i have not joined any singaporean évent here.
Apart from the embassy,
there is a singaporeans in France club
thats organise regular event
eg popian night etcs
but I think is just not in me to search
and miggle with fellow Singaporeans here

every year the embassy organize a ndp celebrations
I'm not even excited about ndp while in sg
I'm definitely not excited about it here
due to the summer holidays
the celebration is normally in Sept.
This year, I decided to ask for the invitation card for the event
since 1 of my fellow Singaporean friend is going
husband was really looking forward
because he was sure food will be great, haha.

oh there was a recommended dresscode
of red and white or traditional costumes
of course, we didn't follow the dress code.
we were late because we had so much errands to do
but people were still arriving after us
I was suprised to see the number of people attending the event.
And it was held in a nice and expensive location in paris...

Apart from the usual speeches,
where no one was paying attention to,
nationals day songs on repeat mode,
there was the lucky draw for a SQ ticket to singapore,
quiz on Singapore to win presents,
free flow alcohol (champagne too)
and of course, buffet of food!

We didnt queue for the main buffer line
because there was a long queue
and looked like it was curry puff, noodles etcs
But we did enjoy munching the small stuff 
that was put on the small tables around
and what the waiters were bringing around,
which disappeared super fast.
So Singaporean to focus on the food..
Oh, they had free flow masala tea too,
which was sooooo good.

We spent some time with my friend
but left after 2 hours.
Going grocery shopping was more attractive
then staying around not knowing anyone else.

I guess if in the future we have a kid
we probably will enjoy such events more
but for now, i think its okay to just stop by
and not spend crazy amount of time there
Well, im not that patriotic i guess.

*Pictures taken from the club's facebook*

Seeing from this side of the world

In Singapore, i admit im not so bothered by world news.
Probably just reading Yahoo news updates 
and discussing at times with friends/colleagues.
Strangely, i became more into news here
because i have more free time,
is becoming 'closer to home' than before,
or because we dont have kids to waste discussions on
and get to discuss all the issues with the husband/ friends.
And i think france has been having so many issues,
it creates endless discussions and topics.
The most common topic will be about the migrants or terrorists.
Although at times i wish it can be view as separates,
its hard to see the distinction at times.

For eg, the burkinis ban in France beaches,
i feel sad to see how bans are used to solvethe matter
when there is definitely more details to be look into.
I know Singapore is famous for its bans and fines,
but we hadnt done ban like this
because of our multi-racial population.
im still shocked by this ban,
at least people around me are feeling the same
im glad that we are all on the same side to agree
that it wasnt the best decision made.
Especially if the decision was to reduce the possibility of terrorists,
or to promote integration in France.

 Next, is the growing numbers of migrants.
Husband and i watched a documentary on the infamous 'jungle calais',
where many migrants are living there 
without adequate resources, eg proper water facilities,
risking their lives to smuggle themselves into UK
by stopping transportation trucks in really dangerous way
that also risk lives of truck drivers.
And not forgetting the lives of local are affected too.
I am sad to know that they are planning to spend millions
to build a wall along the highway to reduce the smuggling,
yet not using the money to build more facilities for the migrants.
Yes, the migrants are not interested to stay in France,
but i think if there are more resources to help them for now,
there will be less clashes between the locals and them,
and at least it will be a temporary solution
than waiting for the perfect solution to end all!

Amidst of all these,
the fear of terrorist attacks has been the hardest to ignore.
I think most people are like us,
trying our best to go on with daily lives,
and not to be crippled by fear
but is definitely harder to do so in real.

Recently, after work,
i was waiting for my train home 
and there was a delay that it took about 15mins wait.
Normally, train comes in about 10mins max.
After i board the train; 
i managed to find a seat and started playing candy crush.
There was a french lady A sitting opposite me,
a man beside her,
and a french lady B beside me.
After the man exited the train, 
Lady A realised the man had left his bag behind,
and to make matters worse,
it was a big sports bag!

Lady A announced that she should alert about the bag
which would stopped the train,
and probably takes another hour before the train service resumes.
So, she informed everyone that she is not doing so,
and decided to change cabin at the next stop
and hope she will make it to her station before the train will be stopped.
Then, she left.

While many people started to think aloud about what to do,
most people like me prefer that all will be well till our station.
Lady B decided that she would check the bag,
while everyone is thinking that she is brave,
i realised that im sitting inside
and wouldnt be able to run if she really found something in the bag.
Luckily, it seems that its really a normal sports bag with shoes etcs.
Well, there could still be something hidden.

I think most people like me,
would just leave the bag where it is after opening it,
which would end up affecting the train services
when the bag would be found by another passenger later on.
Lady B was reaching her stop and she did an amazing thing,
she told everyone that she is alighting
and she would bring the bag with her to the control station!
Everyone was so amazed by her bravery and kindness to do so,
a part of me feels ashamed that im not like her.
But is so hard to know what is the best decision to do
at the moment of the time!

Husband and i had a similar incident of bag.
We board the train and after a passenger left,
she left a shopping bag.
While everyone was thinking aloud about what to do,
a brave lady opened up the bag
and announced to everyone that is just full of smelly diapers!
Well, still was a good news!

Its strange that everyday we make different decisions
based on our past, experiences and personality,
but decisions like these are really hard to be made...

Life as a full timer

Officially, i have started as a full timer for a week!
And, i no longer do much for the operations admin
but mainly deal with accounting and billing,
which surprisingly that i enjoyed it more than operations.
I guess i prefer to be emailing people to chase for data and money,
then be subjected to the stress to answer to clients in real time.
Despite tons of backdated invoicing to be done,
im glad that im in the billing department.

Although in my contract i am to work 35 hours per week,
I have been working much more hours.
Maybe because i am slow in invoicing
or simply there is too much work to do!
Unlike the french who really want to be paid extra
or work the exact hours in the contract,
I think the workaholic in me doesnt really mind the extra hours
and I rather work late to clear my stuff 
then to face it again the next day.

So, im supposed to work 10-1830,
but i normally get to leave office at 19;30
and friday, i stayed till 20:00.
husband think im crazy to be smiling happily
even though i ended work late.
I guess its hard to explain the adrénaline rush i get at office
that really pushes me to work more.

Strange as it sounds,
I hadnt get any monday blues,
as i do look forward to work on Mondays
but i do look forward to Fridays,
I think i burnt enough of my energy from Monday to Friday.

Initially, the thought of a full time office job here
will help me understand the work culture of France
or improve my french somehow.
Yet, everyday when i stepped into the office,
i feel like i left France and is inside the Singaporean working world again!
Because:

There is only 1 french in the office (The boss) -
My direct supervisor is indian, 
my colleagues are from Mexico and india.
Although at times, french is spoken,
everything is done and speak in English.

Speed and efficiency -
I wonder is it because we are in the line of service provider
that requires immediate updates etcs.
Everything has to be done really quickly
and the need to multi-task at times.
There seems to be time limit to complete task
or time is never enough to complete everything.
Hack, my boss dont even like to see us using handphones for 1 second.

American office? - 
Since our main clients are from the states,
I think the way of work is more american style.
And i think the style is quite similar to Singapore offices,
it seems never strange to work late
or even work from home,
which i know is totally not french working style.

Life has changed - 
Not really financially since i hasnt get my full pay.
Day passses quickly and there isnt much time to do nothing
which i dont really miss that.
My french seems to be getting worse
as i felt im using less french then before.
Home feels messier during the week,
weekends are for grocery shopping or household chores.

The biggest change is that:
Husband has become the weekday chef
because im always home later than him! Haha.
I think is still a novelty to hime
that he hasnt start complaining
but i think is good we plan the meals beforehand
that he needs not crack his head on ideas for each day.

Unsure how it will be when my french classes starts
or whether ill give it up for the time being,
At least im still enjoying being a full timer..

Tidying and housekeeping

I was never a neat and tidy kid.

I know I was good at hiding things,

such as dump everything into the drawer

and pretend all is neat and tidy,

concept of out of sight, out of mind!

Apart from my mum's OCD influence,

I think my sister is also quite a neat freak.

As we shared a wardrobe for a big part of our lives,

i remembered that her part will be so neat

and mine is in a big mess

and how she would constantly tell me how to fold the tshirt,

that the logo are all in the side side and direction, haha.

Crazy enough, as i grew older, 

i became kind of a neat freak,

I think it started when i started working,

i love to keep my working desk free of clutter

and everything in order.

I think is due to the work stress,

having uncluttered workdesk always feels good?

At home, I still do have the 'dump everything into drawer" mind,

and once in a blue moon i will pack them well

for the process to be repeated, neat-messy-net-messy...

Since i have moved quite often in my last few years in SIngapore,

I think i picked up skills to organize my stuff in limited storage,

to dump things easily and know how to recognize my esstentials.

Our new home has more storage places than before,

at times i still have my "dump everything into xyz"

but overall, on the surface it looks well organised,

please dont open my drawers! Haha..

i still tried my best to fully use my packing and throwing abilities,

but it doesnt help when i can define husband as a hoarder, haha.

It can be so hard to convince him to donate an old tourist tshirt,

that he cant fit in now, was a gift from somebody,

and looks really ugly - i dont appreciate touristy tshirt style, opps!

When we shifted, we cleared quite a lot of husband's style,

or i try to contain them eg plan to make tshirt quilt,

but having extra storage space and a basement storeroom,

seems to give us both more excuses to hoard stuff!

1 of the way i  tried to maximise storage space,

is to turn roll up the tshirts into the drawer in our entrance.

Husband was amazed and proud

that i recalled him showing people the tshirt drawer,

yes, quite a strange thing to show to visitors...

Although i dont think is the best way to keep tshirts wrinkle-free,

it takes much less space than normal folding method.

Few days ago, husband and his colleagues went talking about the Konmari,

her famous ways of organising home and how she even wrote books on it!

After looking at some photos,

husband told them that our tshirts and rolled 

and is similar to konmari's method!

All the colleagues were impressed that i was following konmari,

but truth is what i did was not konmari's style,

She folds the tshirts instead of rolling them etcs.

and lot more about gratitude towards your stuffs... 

More about konmari:

http://www.marthastewart.com/1106009/konmari-trendy-new-organizing-method

Anyway, husband came home and asked me whether i was following konmari.

I was sure that i dont know who she is,

after googling, i realised i read about her in a blog that i followed!

But i didnt really check out what she was doing...

I started trying to google for more information of her methods,

but it seems what i can find online for free is the standard minimum stuff,

So i got inspired,

I tried to clear my very full wardrobe,

which became fuller because im starting to try get more working clothes,

and was proud to manage to get rid of some clothes

that i was always thinking "Someday I will wear it"...

Then i went crazy and decided to pack the overflowing socks drawer

that were full of socks rolled up in pairs

and always threatening to overflood when i open/close te drawer.

I tried my best to follow konmari's method for socks,

and to my suprise, we dont have so much socks as i imagined!

It was so full just because everything is messed up...

I did managed to threw away some socks 

that dont bring me joy

because they were uncomfortable, very old

or constantly giving me problems when i wore them.

Woohoo!

I was telling husband that i should really do more konmari's style at home,

I think i should buy the book!

Husband thinks that he should never told me about konmari

because i started this "I want declutter mission"

and he will definitely be involved in time to come.

He tried hard today, 

i was allowed to remove 3 tshirts from the drawer

to the box of tshirt for quilt,

well, a tiny good try ya?

I guess if i buy the book and start full force on implementing it at home,

husband will start a forum on how much he hate konmari, haha...

Side note:

At covert garden london,

we visited a nice old toy shop

and bought a vintage looking paper theatre at 20pounds?

We finally set ourselves to complete it today,

and i think it looks really great!

Okay, OCD me put a piece of cling wrap around the threatre,

in hope that less dust will accumulate...